My Life Has a Soundtrack

If someone asked me to describe my life without using dates, I think I could probably do it with music.

I could tell you what songs I loved.

What songs I memorized.

What songs I couldn't stop singing.

What songs remind me of certain people.

What songs take me back to a particular place or period of my life.

Because when I look back, I realize something I've never really thought about before:

My life has a soundtrack.

And if you played enough of it, I could probably tell you exactly which chapter you were playing.

I Can Hear the Different Eras of My Life

There are certain periods of my life that I can still identify simply by the music I was listening to at the time.

I don't necessarily have to remember the exact year.

Sometimes I don't even have to remember what was happening.

A song comes on, and suddenly I know.

Oh, I remember this time.

That's one of the amazing things about music.

It gives memories a timestamp without actually needing a date.

I might hear a song I haven't heard in years and immediately remember what my life felt like when that song was popular.

I remember the people.

I remember the places.

I remember what I was excited about.

I remember what I was struggling with.

I remember who I was.

And sometimes I realize that the person I was during that particular musical era feels like a completely different version of me.

The Songs I Memorized Became Part of Me

I've always been someone who memorizes songs easily.

I don't necessarily sit down and try to learn the lyrics.

They just stick.

I hear a song enough times and eventually I know it.

Sometimes I know songs from beginning to end without ever intentionally trying to memorize them.

And years later, I can still remember them.

That's what amazes me.

There are things I've forgotten from different periods of my life, but put on the right song and suddenly I remember.

The words are still there.

The melody is still there.

And sometimes the memories attached to them are still there, too.

It's almost like my brain stored certain parts of my life inside songs.

Music Can Take Me Back Without Asking Permission

One of the strangest things about music is how quickly it can transport me.

I can be doing something completely ordinary and hear a song from years ago.

Suddenly I'm not just listening to it.

I'm remembering.

Sometimes it's a good memory.

Sometimes it's painful.

Sometimes it's bittersweet.

And sometimes I can't even explain exactly why the song affects me.

I just know that it does.

It's almost like music can open a door that I didn't realize was still there.

And behind that door is an earlier version of me.

I Can Remember Who I Was by What I Was Listening To

When I think about the different eras of my life, I realize that my music choices tell a story too.

The songs I loved reflected different parts of who I was.

There were songs that matched my personality at the time.

Songs that helped me express emotions I didn't know how to explain.

Songs that made me feel understood.

Songs that made me feel less alone.

Songs that made me want to dance.

Songs that made me want to cry.

Songs that I could sing at the top of my lungs.

And songs that I probably should have gotten tired of hearing but somehow never did.

Each era had its own sound.

And that sound became part of my identity during that period.

Some Songs Belong to People

There are songs I can't hear without thinking about someone.

That's another way music becomes connected to our lives.

Sometimes we don't choose the connection.

It just happens.

Maybe we heard a song with someone repeatedly.

Maybe the lyrics reminded us of the relationship.

Maybe it happened to be playing during an important moment.

Maybe we simply associated that song with that person because of the time in our lives when we knew them.

Years later, the song can still bring them back.

Not physically.

But emotionally.

For a few minutes, I can remember what it felt like to know them.

And sometimes that's comforting.

Sometimes it's painful.

Sometimes it's both.

Some Songs Belong to Versions of Me

There are also songs that don't necessarily remind me of another person.

They remind me of me.

A younger me.

A version of me who thought differently.

A version of me who hadn't experienced certain things yet.

A version of me who was still trying to figure out who she was.

When I hear some of those songs now, I can almost picture that version of myself.

And I wonder what she would think if she could see me today.

Would she recognize me?

Would she be surprised by everything I've lived through?

Would she be proud of how far I've come?

I think she would probably be surprised.

Because I've lived through chapters she couldn't have imagined.

Some Songs Hold Pain

Not every song in my soundtrack is happy.

Some songs carry difficult memories.

There are songs that can bring back emotions I would rather not revisit.

That's especially important for me because of PTSD.

Sometimes a song isn't simply a song.

It can become connected to a memory, a feeling, or a particular period of my life.

And when that happens, the reaction can be surprisingly strong.

But I've also learned that remembering something doesn't mean I'm back there.

I can hear a song and remember a difficult chapter without actually being in that chapter anymore.

That's an important difference.

The memory can still exist without controlling the present.

Some Songs Remind Me How Far I've Come

This might be my favorite part of looking back at my musical soundtrack.

Some songs don't make me sad anymore.

They make me realize how much I've changed.

I can hear something I listened to years ago and remember exactly who I was then.

And then I realize:

I'm not that person anymore.

I've grown.

I've learned.

I've survived things.

I've changed my perspective.

I've experienced things I never expected.

I've lost parts of myself and found other parts.

And that old song becomes a reminder that time really does move forward.

Sometimes we don't realize how much we've changed because we're living it one day at a time.

Music gives us a way to hear the difference.

My Memory Has a Playlist

If my life were an actual playlist, I don't think it would make sense to anyone else.

There would be songs that seem completely random.

There would be songs that make no sense without knowing the story behind them.

There would be songs that make me laugh.

Songs that make me cry.

Songs that make me nostalgic.

Songs I haven't heard in years but somehow still know every word to.

And there would probably be a lot of songs that someone else would listen to and think, Why is this one so important?

Because they weren't there.

They don't have the memory attached to it.

They don't know what that song meant to me.

And that's okay.

Not every song in my life needs to make sense to someone else.

Some songs belong to me.

The Music Keeps Changing

The amazing thing is that my soundtrack isn't finished.

There are songs I'm listening to now that will someday remind me of this exact period of my life.

I don't know which ones yet.

Maybe I'll hear them years from now and suddenly remember where I was.

Maybe I'll remember what I was working on.

What I was worried about.

What I was hoping for.

Who was in my life.

Who wasn't.

What I was learning.

What I was becoming.

And maybe I'll look back and realize that even this chapter had its own soundtrack.

That's something I find strangely comforting.

Because it means my story isn't finished.

There are still songs I haven't heard yet.

There are still memories I haven't made.

There are still chapters I haven't lived.

I Don't Just Listen to Music—I've Lived Through It

When I think about why music means so much to me, I think this is the answer.

I haven't simply listened to music throughout my life.

I've lived alongside it.

I've sung it.

I've memorized it.

I've cried to it.

I've laughed to it.

I've used it to calm myself.

I've used it to express feelings I couldn't explain.

I've connected it to people and places.

And I've carried pieces of it with me from one chapter to the next.

That's why I can still identify different eras of my life by the music I loved.

The songs became markers.

They remind me where I've been.

They remind me who I was.

And sometimes, they remind me that I've come a lot farther than I realize.

The Soundtrack Isn't Over

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my past.

Some parts of it are painful.

Some parts are beautiful.

Some parts I wish I could change.

Some parts I wouldn't trade for anything.

But all of it helped create the person I am today.

And somewhere along the way, music became part of that story.

When I hear an old song, I don't necessarily want to go back.

Sometimes I just want to remember.

Remember who I was.

Remember what I survived.

Remember what mattered to me.

Remember how much I've changed.

And then I can let the song finish.

Because I don't have to live in that era anymore.

I can appreciate the memory and keep moving forward.

There are still songs playing in my life right now.

And there are still songs I haven't discovered yet.

There are still moments waiting to become memories.

There are still people I haven't met.

There are still chapters I haven't written.

So maybe my life really does have a soundtrack.

And maybe every chapter gets its own song.

Some songs remind me where I've been.

Some songs remind me who I was.

Some songs remind me who I've become.

And somewhere in all of them is the story of me.

My past is a chapter, not the whole story.

And the soundtrack is still playing.