The Memories That Never Really Leave Us

There are some memories I can barely remember.

Then there are the ones I can still feel.

Years can pass. Life can change. People can come and go. I can become a completely different version of myself, and yet somehow, one moment from the past can still feel incredibly close.

Sometimes all it takes is a song.

A smell.

A photograph.

A place.

A familiar voice.

A date on the calendar.

And suddenly, I'm there again.

Not physically.

But in my mind, I can see it.

I can remember where I was.

I can remember who was there.

Sometimes I can even remember how I felt.

Those are the memories that have stayed with me.

Some Memories Are Powerful Because They Hurt

There are memories from my childhood that I wish didn't still have the power to affect me.

There are moments of being bullied.

Moments of feeling misunderstood.

Moments when I wanted someone to understand what I was going through and didn't know how to make them see it.

At the time, I didn't know which experiences would stay with me.

I was simply living them.

I didn't know that years later, I might look back and realize how much those moments shaped the way I saw myself.

That's the strange thing about childhood.

We don't always understand the importance of a moment until we're adults looking back at it.

But Not Every Powerful Memory Is Painful

I've also learned that powerful memories aren't always the ones that hurt.

Some of the memories I hold onto most tightly are beautiful.

There are memories of childhood that make me smile.

There are memories of friendships.

There are moments with people I loved.

There are memories from motherhood that I know I will carry with me forever.

There are moments from my time in the Army and deployment that remind me of people I shared an extraordinary chapter of my life with.

Some memories make me laugh.

Some make me cry.

Some do both.

And I don't want to lose those memories simply because other memories hurt.

Deployment Gave Me Memories I Could Never Have Made Anywhere Else

When I think about my time in the Army, I don't only remember the difficult parts.

I remember the people.

I remember the everyday moments that probably didn't seem important at the time.

I remember things that would be almost impossible to explain to someone who wasn't there.

There are memories from deployment that are still incredibly vivid.

Sometimes I think about people I haven't seen in years and wonder where life took them.

I wonder if they remember the same things.

I wonder if they ever hear a song or see something that takes them back too.

We may have moved on with our lives, but we shared something that can never be completely recreated.

That makes those memories powerful.

Sometimes a Memory Arrives Without Warning

That's something I've learned about memories.

I can't always control when they show up.

Sometimes I'm completely fine and something suddenly brings the past into the present.

A smell can transport me.

A song can change my mood instantly.

A photograph can bring back emotions I haven't felt in years.

Sometimes I don't even understand why something affected me until later.

And with PTSD, some memories can feel especially intense.

It isn't always like looking at an old photograph from a distance.

Sometimes it can feel like my body remembers before my mind has had time to understand why.

That can be difficult.

But I've learned that remembering doesn't mean I'm going backward.

A memory appearing doesn't mean I've failed at healing.

It simply means something mattered.

I Used to Think I Needed to Forget

For a long time, I thought healing meant eventually reaching a point where the past wouldn't affect me anymore.

Maybe I thought that if I could just stop remembering, I would finally be okay.

But I'm beginning to see things differently.

I don't necessarily need to forget.

I need to learn how to remember without allowing the memory to control my present.

There is a difference.

I can remember something that hurt me without allowing it to define who I am today.

I can remember someone I lost without wishing I could go back and change everything.

I can remember a difficult chapter without moving back into it.

The past can exist without owning me.

Some Memories Remind Me Who I Was

Sometimes I look back at an old memory and realize how different I am now.

I remember the girl who didn't know how to speak up.

The young woman who was still trying to figure herself out.

The soldier who was living through experiences she didn't yet understand.

The mother who was trying to do the best she could.

The woman who made mistakes.

The woman who survived things she never imagined she would have to survive.

I can look at all of those versions of myself with a little more compassion now.

They didn't know everything I know today.

They were doing the best they could with what they understood at the time.

Maybe they deserve forgiveness too.

Some Memories Remind Me How Much I've Grown

Sometimes remembering the past makes me realize how far I've come.

I may still struggle.

I may still have difficult days.

I may still have memories that hurt.

But I'm not the same person I was back then.

I've learned things.

I've survived things.

I've changed.

I've become more aware of myself.

I've learned that I can start over.

I've learned that I can make mistakes without letting those mistakes become my identity.

I've learned that healing doesn't mean becoming the person I was before everything happened.

Sometimes healing means becoming someone new.

I Don't Want to Erase My Memories

Even the painful ones are part of my story.

They helped shape me.

They taught me things.

They showed me what I didn't want.

They helped me recognize what I needed.

And the beautiful memories remind me that my life has never been only about the difficult things.

There has been laughter.

There has been love.

There have been accomplishments.

There have been people who mattered.

There have been moments worth holding onto.

My life contains all of it.

The painful.

The beautiful.

The complicated.

The ordinary.

The unforgettable.

Maybe That's Why Memories Are So Powerful

They remind us that we were there.

We lived that moment.

We loved that person.

We experienced that place.

We survived that difficult time.

We laughed during that ridiculous moment.

We became someone different because of what happened.

A memory is more than something that happened in the past.

Sometimes it's a reminder of who we were, who we've become, and how much life has happened between then and now.

And maybe I don't need to be afraid of that.

Maybe I can allow the memories to exist.

I can honor the ones that make me smile.

I can acknowledge the ones that hurt.

I can grieve the ones I can't change.

And I can appreciate the fact that my life has contained moments powerful enough to stay with me.

Some memories will always be part of me.

I don't have to forget them.

I just have to remember that they are memories.

They happened then.

I am living now.

And there is still a tomorrow waiting for me.

The memories may have helped write the pages behind me, but they don't get to write every page ahead of me.

I get to do that.

I get to take everything I've experienced—the good, the bad, the painful, the beautiful—and decide what I do with it.

Some memories I will carry forever.

Some I will eventually carry more gently.

But none of them have the power to erase the person I am becoming.

Because my memories are part of my story.

But my memories are not the whole story.

My past is a chapter, not the whole story.

And there are still memories waiting to be made.