When Panic Takes Over: Experiencing Panic with PTSD

There are moments when my mind knows I am safe, but my body doesn't seem to believe it.

That is one of the hardest things to explain about living with PTSD.

Panic doesn't always arrive because something dangerous is happening right now. Sometimes it comes because something reminds my brain or my body of something that happened a long time ago. Sometimes I don't even immediately know what triggered it. One minute I can be going about my day, and the next, something inside me changes.

My heart starts racing. My breathing changes. My thoughts become harder to control. I can feel overwhelmed by sensations that seem to come from nowhere.

And suddenly, I am trying to figure out what is happening to me while my body is already acting like I am in danger.

When My Body Reacts Before My Mind Understands

One of the strangest parts of PTSD is realizing that a reaction can happen before I consciously understand why.

A sound.

A smell.

A certain situation.

Someone's tone of voice.

A memory.

Sometimes even a feeling can be enough.

My brain can make a connection that I don't immediately recognize. Before I can tell myself, You're okay. You're here. That was then, my body may already be responding.

That can make panic feel frightening in itself.

I might wonder, Why am I feeling this way? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just calm down?

But I've had to learn that panic isn't a sign that I'm weak or losing my mind.

It is a reaction.

My nervous system is trying to protect me, even when there isn't anything in front of me that I actually need protection from.

The Feeling of Losing Control

Panic can make everything feel bigger.

My thoughts can race. My body can feel uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I can become hyperaware of everything happening around me and everything happening inside me.

And when that happens, fear can feed the panic.

I can become afraid of the physical sensations themselves.

Why is my heart beating so fast?

Why can't I catch my breath?

Why do I suddenly feel so overwhelmed?

The more I focus on those feelings, the more frightening they can become.

It can feel like being trapped inside a reaction I didn't choose.

That's one of the things I wish more people understood about panic and PTSD.

Telling someone to simply calm down doesn't make the panic disappear.

If anything, knowing that I am supposed to calm down immediately can make me feel even more frustrated when I can't.

Learning That Panic Doesn't Mean I'm in Danger

One of the biggest things I've had to learn is the difference between feeling unsafe and actually being unsafe.

Those two things are not always the same.

PTSD can make the body respond to reminders of the past as though the past is happening again.

But I am not back there.

I am here.

That distinction doesn't always make the panic disappear, but reminding myself of it can help me move through the moment.

Sometimes I have to slow down and remind myself where I am.

I have to breathe.

I have to give myself permission to sit with the feeling instead of fighting it.

And sometimes I simply have to wait for the wave to pass.

Because panic is a wave.

It rises.

It feels overwhelming.

And eventually, it comes back down.

What I Wish I Could Have Told Myself Years Ago

I wish I had understood earlier that having a panic response didn't mean I was broken.

For a long time, I didn't always understand my own reactions.

I knew something was happening inside me, but I didn't necessarily have the words for it.

Looking back, I can see how many experiences throughout my life affected the way I respond to stress, fear, conflict, and uncertainty.

I also understand now that surviving difficult experiences doesn't mean the effects automatically disappear when the experience is over.

Sometimes the body remembers what the conscious mind wishes it could forget.

That doesn't mean I have to live forever at the mercy of those memories.

It means I have to learn how to recognize what is happening and give myself the compassion I might have given someone else.

I'm Still Learning

I don't have a perfect solution for panic.

I still have difficult moments.

I still have times when my body reacts before my mind can catch up.

But I am learning not to judge myself for it.

I am learning to pause instead of immediately assuming something is wrong with me.

I'm learning to recognize my triggers.

I'm learning that I don't have to be embarrassed because I am struggling.

And I'm learning that having PTSD doesn't mean I have to spend the rest of my life afraid of my own reactions.

Some days, coping means taking a few deep breaths.

Some days, it means stepping away from whatever is overwhelming me.

Some days, it means talking to someone.

And some days, it simply means reminding myself:

This feeling will pass.

I have survived moments that once felt impossible.

I have made it through fear before.

I can make it through this moment too.

Panic may still be part of my story, but it doesn't get to define the entire story.

I am more than my PTSD.

I am more than my anxiety.

I am more than the moments when fear takes over.

I am still here. I am still learning. I am still healing.

And when panic comes, I can remind myself that I don't have to fight my entire past in that one moment.

I only have to get through this moment.

My past is a chapter, not the whole story.