Starting Over More Than Once

I've had to start over more times than I ever expected.

Some of those new beginnings were forced on me by circumstances I couldn't control.

Others happened because of choices I made.

Mistakes.

Decisions I wish I could go back and change.

Times when I thought I knew what I was doing, only to realize later that I didn't.

For a long time, I looked at all those starting points as evidence that I had failed.

Now I see them differently.

Sometimes starting over isn't proof that you failed.

Sometimes it's proof that you're willing to keep going.

I've Made Mistakes

I wish I could say I've always made the right decisions.

I haven't.

I've made mistakes.

I've trusted people I shouldn't have.

I've stayed in situations longer than I should have.

I've made choices based on what I thought I needed at the time, only to realize later that they weren't right for me.

I've said things I wish I could take back.

I've done things I wish I had handled differently.

And I've had to live with the consequences of some of those choices.

That's difficult to admit.

But pretending I haven't made mistakes wouldn't make my story more honest.

Sometimes We Don't Know We're Making a Mistake

One of the hardest things about looking backward is judging your past self with the knowledge you have today.

It's easy to say:

"I should have known."

"I should have seen the signs."

"Why didn't I leave sooner?"

"Why did I make that choice?"

But the person I was then didn't have everything I know now.

She was making decisions with the information, experiences, emotions, and coping skills she had at the time.

That doesn't mean every decision was right.

It means I can understand how I got there.

Starting Over Can Feel Like Defeat

There is a certain embarrassment that can come with starting over.

You may look around and feel like everyone else is moving forward while you're going backward.

You may wonder why you couldn't make something work.

You may feel like you've wasted time.

You may question whether you'll ever get things right.

I've felt those things.

I've wondered how many times I could possibly rebuild before I finally got tired of rebuilding.

But eventually I realized something.

Starting over isn't necessarily going backward.

Sometimes it's changing direction.

Every New Beginning Taught Me Something

I wouldn't choose every experience I've had.

There are chapters I wish had been different.

But I can't deny that each one taught me something.

Some taught me about boundaries.

Some taught me about trust.

Some taught me about what I will and won't accept.

Some taught me about myself.

Some taught me that I am capable of surviving more than I thought.

And some taught me that the person I was trying so hard to become wasn't actually who I wanted to be.

Those lessons came at a cost.

But they are still lessons.

I Had to Stop Punishing Myself for the Past

For a long time, I believed that because I had made mistakes, I deserved to keep punishing myself for them.

I replayed decisions.

I questioned myself.

I wondered what would have happened if I'd chosen differently.

But eventually I realized that punishing myself couldn't change anything.

The past doesn't need another punishment.

It needs understanding.

I can take responsibility without destroying myself.

I can admit that I was wrong without deciding that I am a terrible person.

I can regret something and still believe I deserve a future.

Motherhood Gave Starting Over a Different Meaning

Being a mother made me look at mistakes differently.

I know my daughter will make mistakes.

I know she will make choices I don't agree with.

I know there will be times when she wishes she could go back and do something differently.

And when those moments come, I don't want her to believe one mistake means her life is ruined.

I want her to know she can learn.

She can apologize.

She can make things right when possible.

She can change direction.

She can begin again.

I can't ask that of her while refusing to give myself the same grace.

I Don't Want My Daughter to Carry My Mistakes

My mistakes are part of my story.

But they don't need to become hers.

I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for choices I made before she was old enough to understand them.

I don't want her to believe she has to fix what I got wrong.

I want her to see something else.

I want her to see that people can make mistakes and still become better.

That people can fall apart and rebuild.

That a difficult chapter doesn't have to determine the next one.

Starting Over Takes Courage

People sometimes think starting over is easy.

It isn't.

Starting over means admitting that something isn't working.

It means letting go of what you hoped something would become.

It means accepting that you may have been wrong.

It means facing uncertainty.

It means walking forward without knowing exactly where you're going.

That takes courage.

Especially when you've already been hurt.

Especially when you're afraid of making another mistake.

I've Learned That I Can Trust Myself Again

One of the hardest things about making repeated mistakes is losing confidence in your own judgment.

You start questioning every decision.

You wonder:

"What if I get it wrong again?"

I've had to learn that I don't need certainty to move forward.

I can make better decisions based on what I've learned.

I can slow down.

I can pay attention to warning signs.

I can listen to my instincts.

I can ask for advice.

I can set boundaries.

And if I make another mistake, I can deal with it.

I don't have to be perfect to trust myself.

Starting Over Doesn't Erase What Came Before

Every new beginning carries something from the previous chapter.

I don't get to erase what happened.

And maybe I shouldn't.

The mistakes I've made taught me things I couldn't have learned any other way.

The painful experiences changed me.

The lessons changed me.

The person starting over isn't the same person who made the original mistake.

I'm bringing new knowledge with me.

Sometimes You Have to Start Over With Yourself

This may be the most important kind of starting over.

There have been times when I didn't just need to change my circumstances.

I needed to change the way I saw myself.

I needed to stop believing that my mistakes made me unworthy.

I needed to stop defining myself by my worst moments.

I needed to learn that I could forgive myself.

I needed to become someone I could live with again.

That kind of starting over happens quietly.

Nobody else may even notice it.

But internally, everything can change.

I Am Not Ashamed of Every Beginning Anymore

I used to look at my life and see all the places where things didn't work.

Now I also see the places where I tried again.

I see the moments when I got back up.

I see the times I admitted something wasn't working.

I see the times I chose a different path.

I see the times I started over because I wanted something better.

Those beginnings are part of my strength.

There May Be More Starting Overs Ahead

I don't know what the future holds.

I may make more mistakes.

I may have to change direction again.

I may find myself at another beginning someday.

And honestly, I hope that doesn't scare me the way it once did.

Because now I know something I didn't know before.

I've started over before.

I've survived it.

I've learned from it.

And I've become someone new on the other side of it.

I Can Begin Again

My life isn't ruined because some chapters didn't turn out the way I expected.

My mistakes don't erase my good qualities.

My failures don't erase my accomplishments.

My past choices don't eliminate my ability to make better choices today.

I don't have to wait for someone to give me permission to start over.

I can decide that a chapter is finished.

I can learn what it taught me.

I can take responsibility for what belongs to me.

I can leave behind what no longer serves me.

And I can begin again.

As many times as I need to.

**I've started over before.

I've made mistakes before.

I've fallen before.

And I'm still here.

Maybe the goal was never to live a life without mistakes.

Maybe the goal is to become brave enough to learn from them, strong enough to accept them, and hopeful enough to believe that there is always another beginning waiting for me.

My past may explain how I got here.

But it doesn't get to decide where I go next.**