PTSD: More Than a Definition

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is often defined as a mental health condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. That definition is accurate, but for someone living with PTSD, it doesn't always explain what it actually feels like.

I know this because PTSD is more than a definition to me. It is something I have experienced throughout different parts of my life, even before I had a name for what was happening.

My experiences with trauma did not come from one single event. They came from different chapters of my life—childhood bullying, difficult experiences growing up, military service during the Iraq War, and abusive relationships. For a long time, I didn't understand that all of those experiences could continue affecting me long after they were over.

I didn't even know I had PTSD until later in life.

That realization changed the way I understood myself.

What Is PTSD?

PTSD occurs when the effects of trauma continue after the traumatic experience has ended. The brain and body are designed to respond to danger. When something frightening happens, our survival system can go into action to protect us.

For most people, that system eventually settles back down.

For someone with PTSD, it can remain on high alert.

The danger may be gone, but the brain may continue acting as though it isn't.

Sometimes that response can be triggered by something obvious. Other times, it can be something that seems completely unrelated to the original trauma. A sound, smell, place, conversation, date, facial expression, or situation can suddenly bring back feelings connected to the past.

And sometimes you don't even know what triggered you.

Trauma Doesn't Have to Happen Only Once

When people hear the word trauma, they often think about one major event.

But trauma can take many forms.

For me, some of the earliest experiences that affected me happened during childhood. I experienced severe bullying during middle school. I was taunted, called names, tripped in the hallway, had my hair pulled, and had things smeared on my back and in my hair.

What made those experiences even harder was feeling like the adults around me didn't completely understand what was happening.

When I tried to explain what was happening, I sometimes heard questions like, "What did you do or say to them?"

As a child, that can send a powerful message: maybe this is somehow my fault.

When you repeatedly experience situations where you feel powerless, unsafe, embarrassed, or alone, those experiences can leave lasting marks.

At the time, I didn't know I was experiencing trauma.

I was simply trying to get through the day.

PTSD Can Follow You Into Adulthood

The difficult part about trauma is that leaving the situation doesn't necessarily mean leaving the effects behind.

I eventually experienced trauma in other parts of my life as well, including during my military service in Iraq and in abusive marriages.

Each experience became another chapter.

For years, I didn't necessarily connect those chapters together. I thought of them as separate experiences that I had survived.

It took time to understand that surviving something and being unaffected by it are two very different things.

You can survive something and still carry the effects of it.

PTSD Isn't Always Visible

One of the biggest misconceptions about PTSD is that you can always tell when someone has it.

You can't.

Someone with PTSD may go to work, take care of their family, laugh with friends, and appear perfectly fine.

I have learned that functioning doesn't mean you're not struggling.

There can be an entire battle happening inside a person that nobody else can see.

Sometimes the hardest part is explaining why something that seems small to someone else can feel enormous to you.

The reaction isn't necessarily about what is happening in that moment.

Sometimes it is about what that moment reminds your brain and body of.

PTSD Can Affect the Way You See Yourself

Trauma can change more than your response to danger. It can change the way you see yourself.

When you have spent years feeling like you have to protect yourself, handle things on your own, or question whether your feelings are valid, those beliefs can become deeply ingrained.

I learned early in life to handle a lot of pain on my own.

As an adult, I began to understand that what I had considered "just the way I was" could actually be connected to things I had experienced.

That realization can be difficult.

It can also be freeing.

Because when you understand that your reactions developed as ways of surviving, you can begin to separate who you are from what happened to you.

PTSD Is Not Who You Are

PTSD is something I live with.

It is not the entirety of who I am.

I am not the bullying I experienced.

I am not the abuse I survived.

I am not the trauma I experienced during military service.

And I am not the worst moments of my life.

Those experiences are chapters in my story.

They are important chapters. They helped shape me. They left scars.

But they are not the whole story.

That is one of the most important things I have learned about PTSD: you can carry the effects of your past without allowing your past to define your entire future.

PTSD is real. Trauma is real. The effects can be complicated and long-lasting.

But so is healing.

And sometimes healing begins with something as simple as finally understanding what happened to you.